Top Ten Technologies Being Released TODAY That Excite Us

By Rich Steeves, TMCnet Copy Editor

In a rare confluence of events, several major tech announcements have broken, and a slew of new products are being announced today, April 1, 2012. Without further ado, here is a list of 10 of those products we are most excited about.

VuIP: You have heard of Voice over Internet Protocol, but today, communications provider sPeeKeZZZ has announced the release of Voice UNDER Internet Protocol. This technology, which runs a thin cord of cotton under existing fiber, connects any two flat, metallic, disc-shaped surfaces together into a voice transmission medium. Zzzzmail: Touted as “the last word in mail,” the zzzzzyaxxxx corporation has created an alternative to email and gmail. “Obviously it’s better,” said Opal Firslo, president of the corporation. “The more letters, the better, right?” No word on any of the features of the solution, or whether it will be an online program or a way to mail goods physically, but Wall Street is already abuzzzz over the product. The oPhone 6: Created by Orangezz, a company based on the “wrong side of the tracks” of Cupertino California, the oPhone is already begging comparisons with the most popular smartphone of the day. “It’s hard to say which one I like better,” said TMC (News - Alert) analyst Rich Steeves. “It’s like comparing Apple to Orangezz.” The PieAd: A tablet computer that only contains Pie and Pie-related apps. It has recipes for pies and, well, not a lot of other content so far, but it is pie-shaped. Word is the PieAd 2 will have apps for geometry students as well, but only ones dealing with circles. Crank Call Centers: This innovation is for the busy middle school students who simply don’t have enough time to call each and every classmate about whether or not their refrigerators are running. Using the latest call center technology, pranksters can robocall thousands of their closest frienemies each day with a pre-programmed message about whether they have Dr. Pepper in a can and the fact that they need to let him out. This is a big improvement from the concept of outsourcing prank calls to India, where cultural differences make it difficult for agents to have truly funny pizzas delivered to nosy neighbors. Dumb Grids: Since the backlash against smart grid technology in many communities, a utility company in Yoknapatawpha County, Mississippi has developed the dumb grid. The technology will ensure that you do not forget to leave your lights on when you exit the house, blast your air conditioning and heat at the same time to see “who wins” and keep the water in your sink running “just in case” you need it and are too lazy to turn it on. Brown Technology: As a backlash to the Green Technology revolution, a number of companies have banded together to create the Brown United Technology Team, though they do not use an acronym for obvious reasons. They pledge to develop bicycles that are powered by coal, drill for oil under the Magic Kingdom and EPCOT Center (but just the World Showcase part, obviously) and push for DE-cycling programs, removing items from blue bins and redistributing them to underserved trash receptacles throughout the region. UPS has made it clear that this Brown has nothing to do with them. Fog Computing: According to FoggComputing.com, this innovation is just like cloud computing, except even LESS clear to consumers what it actually is. Foggier, even. With the amount of revenue cloud brings in, a technology that is even less understood is bound to generate a lot more buzz and tons more cash. 6G Wireless Service: Deciding to skip 4G and 5G completely, Potsylvanian technology firm Wily Wireless has rolled out its 6G service. “It is so fast you receive the data three days before you even request it. Though you have to remember to actually put in the request for the data on that third day or you run the risk of ripping a hole in the space-time continuum, which would be pretty bad,” said Dr. E. L. Brown of Wily Wireless. April Fool’s Day Fake News Dectector: (warning—not to be used on or near The Onion). On today of all days, you need to be wary of fake news stories, like this one. Whoops! APRIL FOOL’S!

HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY FROM TMC!

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